A Collection of CrackFics II
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Everyone's favorite Transformers are back for more zany crackiness. Contains a lot of insomnia-induced insanity. Read at your own risk...
1. Decepticons

_This sequel all started early this morning when I wrote a couple paragraphs about Barricade and an Xbox and didn't know what to do with it. It was too short to be submitted on its own...so then I got an idea to write a sequel to the madness I wrote a little over a year ago._

_These are all Decepticon-based crack-fics. There will more than likely be an Autobot version as in the first one, as I already have a couple candidates for it. They just haven't been thrown together yet and I need to find a way to get another one off my laptop (no wi-fi yet) and onto the desktop computer._

* * *

_**Worse Than An Evil Monkey In Your Closet**_

_This one is actually a portion of a story I never finished that is still stuck on the hard drive of my old computer. I took a bit of inspiration in this one from an episode of Family Guy (hence the title)…if you watch the show as much as I do, you should know which part. All I'll say is it's probably the funniest Chris Griffin line ever that provided the inspiration. Hmm...now I know who Brawl reminds me of. Chris Griffin._

Bonecrusher promptly passed out on his berth after a long day of putting up with the idiots he was forced to work with. About an hour into his recharge, he woke up as something crawled in next to him and rolled over to find Brawl snuggling up against him. "Brawl…what the hell?!" he said as he pushed Brawl off. "Go sleep in your own room!"

"I can't Bonecrusher! The little green person will get me!" Brawl said in a frightened tone.

"Are you sure you weren't just looking at your reflection in the window again?" Bonecrusher asked, a bit annoyed that he wasn't getting any sleep.

"No…Megatron boarded up my window after I saw my reflection and thought I'd fallen out and jumped out to try to save myself," Brawl replied.

"So describe him then," Bonecrusher half mumbled, laying back down against his pillow.

"Well he's short, and wears green, and is always trying to keep children away from his cereal, and…"

"Wait a minute…" Bonecrusher interrupted him. "Is this little green person by any chance on that Lucky Charms box you brought into your room with you for breakfast this morning?"

Brawl paused for a moment. "Oh yeah…no wonder why his guts were magically delicious…"

"Get out of my room…" Bonecrusher groaned.

Brawl got up to leave and happened to notice his reflection in Bonecrusher's window. "Oh my god, I fell out the window!" he said before jumping through it to save himself.

* * *

**Scorponok Needs An Exorcist**

_Okie hokie…to understand what's going on in this one, I guess I should explain. I once had a dream where Starscream got killed in a freak safety pin accident (don't ask how…my dream never explained that far), but of course since Starscream has an immortal spark, he wasn't really dead. He then possessed Scorponok and started making him do all sorts of scary shit to try to make Barricade go crazy since apparently the accident was his fault. I was going to wait and put this in a Halloween edition of Crack-Fics, but I'm impatient and can't wait that long, plus I don't know if I'm going to go through with the Halloween crack-fic idea or just condense it all into a story yet, since they all seem to be taking place in the same setting. If I get around to it in time for Halloween, I might even just spin this one off into its own story._

"Here you go, Scorponok! I made you alphabet soup!" Blackout said, placing a bowl of soup on the floor for him. He patted Scorponok's head lovingly.

Scorponok wagged his tail happily and pushed some of the noodles around with his nose. Lifting his face out of the bowl, he licked the soup off and backed up so that Blackout could see what he'd written in the soup: _I LOVE YOU_.

"Aww! That's so cute!" Blackout said adoringly before walking away to bring a bowl of soup to Megatron.

Scorponok waited for him to leave the room before pushing the bowl across the floor to where Barricade sat at the table, eating his lunch and looking at a video game strategy guide. He nudged around some of the noodles and pawed at Barricade's leg to make him look down. Barricade's optics widened when he noticed that Scorponok was glaring at him and had spelled out _IM WATCHING YOU_.

"Er…what?" Barricade asked.

Scorponok stuck his face in the bowl again, and once it emerged, the soup now read, _NEVER BE ALONE_.

Barricade continued to watch Scorponok carefully, more than a little disturbed, as he nudged his bowl back to where it was before. By the time Blackout returned, Barricade was sitting on the table, staring intently at Scorponok like he was afraid that he'd spit acid at him at any minute.

"Barricade? You okay?" Blackout asked, reaching for him to check and make sure he didn't have a fever.

Scorponok looked up from his empty bowl and wagged his tail innocently, the only noodles left in the bottom reading, _MORE PLEASE_.

* * *

**Graduation Week**

_I actually wrote this one maybe a week or two before I graduated. I was going to tack it onto another story, but then I got bored with it and never wrote it. So here it is, in all its unfinished glory. In case you can't tell by the way, this is pretty much Brawl and Boner's high school days._

"Bonecrusher! Hey, Bonecrusher! Hey! Hey! Hey! Bonecrusher! Bonecrusher! Hey! Hey, Bonecrusher! Bonecrusher? Bonecrusher!" an annoying voice called out.

Bonecrusher propped his head up on the table and purposefully ignored the voice and its owner for as long as he could until finally he couldn't take it anymore. "WHAT?!" he snapped at the mech standing only a few feet away from him.

"Will you sign my yearbook?" Brawl asked with a friendly smile. Bonecrusher sighed and nodded, taking the yearbook from him. "Don't write any swears in it, though. My mom reads it." Bonecrusher thought about that a moment and began laughing uncontrollably while he wrote the word "FUCK" in big, bold letters, large enough to take up an entire page. Snickering, he handed it back to Brawl, who took one look at it and asked, "Why?"

"Go away now," Bonecrusher replied, returning to eating his lunch at the far end of the empty table he sat at every day. He sighed when Brawl sat next to him with his lunch and started eating. "When did it suddenly become okay for you to sit here?" Bonecrusher growled.

"I figured you might be lonely… I mean the entire time we've been in the academy, you've always sat alone, and since we were graduating in a week, I thought I'd keep you some company," Brawl replied. He reached over and gave him a hug. "Because I don't want to leave you and I might never see you again once we graduate…" he whimpered.

Bonecrusher roughly pushed him away before going back to eating his food. "Don't worry, Brawl. I can guarantee you that we'll be together forever."

"Really?" Brawl said with a little glimmer of hope in his voice.

"Of course. You're like a cyber-mosquito and I'm like a bug zapper. I keep purposefully hurting you, but yet for some unexplainable reason, you keep coming back to me."

Brawl was silent a moment. "Why do you hurt me in this way, Bonecrusher?"

Bonecrusher smiled to himself. "Because you make it too easy."

* * *

**Barricade Loves His Video Games**

_You can thank one of the many "conversations" between me and varsitylove16 for this one…_

Barricade hugged his Xbox close to his body after a particularly fun session of Halo 3. "Oh Xbox, I don't know how much more I could say I love you," he said with a smile. Suddenly realizing there _was _a way, he looked around to make sure no one was around before disconnecting it from the TV and taking it to his room.

_Time skip segment of eternal spookiness! Whooooo…_

Blackout opened the door to Barricade's room. "Hey Barricade, have you seen the X-" He paused mid sentence when he found Barricade sitting in bed smoking a cigarette with the Xbox tucked in next to him.

"What?" Barricade asked. Blackout quickly left to look for some brain bleach.


	2. Autobots

_I finally got the other part off my laptop, so here ya are. =D_

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* * *

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**Living With Jetfire**

_This one was written after wondering what it would be like if Jetfire hadn't died at the end of Revenge of the Fallen…I brought Jazz back in this one because I figured, "Why not? If Jetfire's still alive, then by Primus, so is Jazz!"_

"Is dinner gonna be ready anytime soon?" Jazz asked, tapping his talons against the table while he waited.

"Five more minutes, Jazz," Sideswipe replied. "Stop being so impatient!"

"But I'm hungry now! I haven't eaten all day!" he complained, getting up to stand by the microwave and stare at their food.

"You younglings are so impatient. Five minutes is nothing!" Jetfire started. Everyone in the room groaned, realizing they were about to hear a story. "Why back in my day, we had to walk six miles uphill in bad weather just to _find _our dinner, and once we did, we had to beat it to death with sticks!"

Optimus gave him a skeptical look. "Sticks?"

"Well, sometimes we used rocks, but it was usually sticks!" Jetfire added. Everyone who was fortunate enough to be near a door (or in Bumblebee's case, a window) quickly left while Jetfire went off into a rather long monologue about how he once had to fight off a wild cyber-bear that had tried to steal his food using only a handful of pebbles, a flashlight, and a roll of duct tape.

Sideswipe looked out the window that Bumblebee had jumped out of while Jetfire continued to go off on a tangent. "You okay?" he called to the ground below.

"I'm fine. My face cushioned the fall," Bumblebee called back. Ratchet pushed Sideswipe aside and looked out to make sure that he was alright.

"So then after I beat that bear into submission, I…uh…" Jetfire started mumbling something incoherent.

"You what?" Ratchet asked.

"Who are you again?" Jetfire asked, completely forgetting what he was talking about.

"Ratchet," he replied.

"No, I'm Jetfire," Jetfire responded, walking away confused.

"Whoo! Food's done!" Jazz said excitedly, popping it out of the microwave. "And I didn't have to fight off any cyber-bears for it, either!"

"Hey you youngling, get off the lawn!" Jetfire screamed out the window at Bumblebee.

* * *

**It's the Piggy Sickness!**

_Did you know my friend once cleared a room this way just by sneezing?_

"There's no doubt about that signature…there's definitely a Decepticon in the area!" Ratchet said as he scanned the signal further. "It's about two or three blocks away."

"So what are you waiting for?! Let's go get it!" Ironhide said, revving his engine.

"Ironhide, no! There's too many humans around. We'll have to call up the army and request an evacuation of the area," Ratchet protested.

Ironhide sighed. "And how long would that take?"

"Mmm…a few hours."

Ironhide started growling. That would be too long, and by then the Decepticon could have left or hurt someone. So instead, he decided to try a different tactic and screamed out loud, "SWINE FLU!"

Everyone around them started screaming and running around in a panic, grabbing their pets and children and leaping into their cars, then abandoning them during the ensuing traffic jam and just running away on foot. Within fifteen minutes, everyone within a twelve mile radius of where the two Autobots stood had fled from the area.

Ratchet was dumbstruck at the chaos. Ironhide was impressed. "Wow! That worked out better than I expected!" he said excitedly.

"I have never seen a race more paranoid than this one…" Ratchet replied.

* * *

**Christmas Presents**

_This was obviously written around last Christmas. She's lucky she got the Dream Car. My grandma gave my uncle Hot Wheels when he asked for a Mustang…_

"Hey, guys," Mikaela said in a bummed out tone when she came in the front door. Sam and Bumblebee's holoform were chilling on the couch, playing Halo 3, and looked up when they sensed her disappointment.

"What's wrong, Mikaela?" Sam asked, pausing the game.

"Well, let's just say that you don't get much more misunderstood than when you wind up holding _this _after you asked for a car for Christmas," Mikaela replied, holding up a hot pink Barbie Dream Car. "Thanks, Aunt Marquita…" she mumbled.

"That's nothing. Want to know what my grandma sent me?" Sam asked. He reached under the coffee table and pulled out a cardboard box, flipping it over to show her that it was empty. "She forgot to put the present in the box before mailing it."

"She's got Alzheimer's, Sam. She probably doesn't even remember why she's sending the present to begin with," Bumblebee pointed out.

"That's no excuse for forgetting," Sam countered.

Bumblebee and Mikaela exchanged looks. "Is he serious?" Mikaela asked.

"Sadly, I think yes…" Bumblebee replied.

* * *

**Insert Witty Title Here**

_Aren't older brothers fun?_

"Hey, Mum!" Bumblebee said as he popped his head by the window. Mrs. Witwicky looked up from the piece of toast she was buttering for breakfast to see what he wanted. "Can I borrow the garden hose?"

"Only if you don't tell me what it's for," she replied, tossing a piece of bacon to Mojo.

"Okay…but I get the impression that you'll figure that one out on your own pretty quickly," he replied, walking around the side of the house to retrieve the hose.

Judy began to feel a little uneasy as she wondered what a giant robot would need with a garden hose at six in the morning. Somehow, she doubted he was taking a bath. She watched him walk past the window again, hose in hand, and waited. It was silent…which usually meant something bad was about to happen.

"Hey Sam… Good morning!" Bumblebee called before the sound of cold water blasting from the hose, accompanied by her son's screaming, was heard upstairs.

Sam stormed down the stairs, soaking wet, swearing, and threatening to take a key to Bumblebee's sides, and slammed the back door when he went out to yell at him. Bumblebee was laughing so hard, he couldn't even hear him.

"Those are my boys," she sighed, glancing down at Mojo. The Chihuahua cocked his head at her.

"Hey! Both of you, get off the grass!" Sam's dad yelled out the window.


End file.
